A couple months ago we officially found out I was pregnant...
But I knew early, pretty much right away. Pretty much as soon as you could possibly find out. I would love to be one of those girls that don’t realize it until further along...But unfortunately that's not me. I wanted this pregnancy, so it was on my mind. Josh and I also had been praying all that month that I would get pregnant. I also had a few doses of nausea and fatigue...so I kinda thought I could be. I had "that gut feeling".
It’s hard to pin down exactly what I felt when seeing those two lines...I think mainly because one of the lines was SO faint, I didn't even know if it was true. Was I pregnant or wasn't I? The only thing I thought of was taking a picture and sending it to my sister to verify. And she did. She told me "yes, you are pregnant!" I still didn't believe it (cause I thought that would be just crazy!!!), so the next day I bought a digital pregnancy test which would tell you in plain and simple words, 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'. And sure enough...after the longest 3 minutes of my life, the test screamed 'PREGNANT'. I think I didn't breathe at first because 10 million things shot through my mind. I wasn't scared, but I sure got nervous right away. I was going to be a mommy for goodness sake! How wild!
So a couple weeks went by, full of excitement, full of joy, full of reading "what to expect", full of baby name possibilities, full of beaming from ear to ear and just maybe small jitters.
So like anxious parents to be, Josh and I went to stores to register (I think it was a little early, but excitement overload was in full throttle). As we were walking through the stores, I was envisioning having a newborn in a sling around my stomach, which crib would I want my baby to sleep in, what bottle and spoons do I want my baby to feed from…And then even more crazy thoughts like...Was it a boy or a girl?...Who's features would our baby take? What would we name our little bean?...Wow, will I be able to keep my sanity?…Do I really have to wait 9 months for this baby to cook?
By the way, I don't think there is any greater thing than to have the knowledge that you are creating a person inside of you, that could have an incredibly great impact in this world we live in…Or atleast the impact it will have in my life.
Thoughts, questions, excitement, and days went on and after telling just a few people(my parents, my sister, Josh's parents and a few people at work) we were pregnant, I ended up having a miscarriage at around 7 weeks along. Not to get into too much physical happenings, I just want to say, It was painful and horrible. I'm just so happy I wasn't further along.
Emotionally…well, I was a bit embarrassed. We knew we had to go back and tell those few people “We’re not pregnant anymore…” And that hurt a lot. But I also feel like I need to share it. That if I don’t share it, I’m withholding information, like I’ve got a big secret if I don’t talk about it with those around us. I’m one of those people who live life out loud. I love Romans 12:15; “Rejoice with those who rejoice; morn with those who mourn.” Even though I’m a tiny bit of an introvert, I love doing life with others.
Again I am SO thankful I wasn’t further along…I really hope I never experience the pain of a miscarriage again, but I know it may be possible. The whole miscarriage wasn't an easy thing to swallow, but at the same time God has overwhelmed Josh and I with peace and comfort. There was no belly bump, or movement, or even an ultrasound yet, so I know that made it "easier".
It’s been a little over a month now and although the symptoms of the miscarriage has stopped it seems that the depression (I don't like that word) has started. I don't want to sound like a sap, because I really do feel good and feel like things are mostly happy around these parts. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy, but it was a "hoped for" pregnancy and even though we weren't 100% ready for a baby, it was something we wanted. Something we prayed about. Something we thought about. Something we dreamed about.
Not to completely confuse things, but after the miscarriage I expected there to be a sigh of relief and a weight fall from my shoulders, because there was a little bit of stress(I guess that's normal for first time parents though). But there wasn’t any relief or feeling free from the unsurity of what a baby brings.
I just felt disappointment. An “Oh well, now’s not the time" did not cross my mind. I immediately thought, "was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Push myself too hard and not rest enough??" I’m not blaming myself…but really, I don't think I can go through a miscarriage and not feel a twinge of responsibility. Can I just say, it is comforting to know that miscarriages are normal. As unpleasant as they are and as much as I wish no one would have to go through the hurt and pain of one...30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, so it’s not just me. There is a support system out there for me (outside of my husband) if I need one.
I’m guessing the depression is due to the fact that I still wish I was pregnant. And it seems like everyone and their Aunt Berta is getting pregnant(do not take this as though i'm jealous, cause i'm not. I'm super happy for whoever is pregnant or getting pregnant), it just pokes at my heart and emotions, because it's still so fresh. I never would have guessed I’d have a miscarriage. I knew it sort of ran in the family, but you never really believe those kinds of things would happen to you. Next time I won’t be so presumptuous.
To end on a happy note...Here’s to that future post about the next addition to our family! :) Whether it be sooner or later, we trust that God is in control. Even though this was and is something very difficult to go through, I feel like God has really just scooped me up and is holding me tight and reminding me daily that He is good and all that He does is perfect. I've really just fallen more in love with Him! It has made me, maybe even forced me to rely on Him and His strength to pull me through! Also on a side note...I just wanted to say how amazing it was to go through all of this with Josh. I'm so thankful God blessed me with such an understanding husband! He really has been an encouragement and a sweetheart in the good and bad days that this trail has taken us through! (I love you sweetie!)
Thank you for reading. This post was not intended for sympathy, but your comments and encouragement is welcome! Thank you for those who already have been such a big help and have carried us in your prayers! We love you guys!
But I knew early, pretty much right away. Pretty much as soon as you could possibly find out. I would love to be one of those girls that don’t realize it until further along...But unfortunately that's not me. I wanted this pregnancy, so it was on my mind. Josh and I also had been praying all that month that I would get pregnant. I also had a few doses of nausea and fatigue...so I kinda thought I could be. I had "that gut feeling".
It’s hard to pin down exactly what I felt when seeing those two lines...I think mainly because one of the lines was SO faint, I didn't even know if it was true. Was I pregnant or wasn't I? The only thing I thought of was taking a picture and sending it to my sister to verify. And she did. She told me "yes, you are pregnant!" I still didn't believe it (cause I thought that would be just crazy!!!), so the next day I bought a digital pregnancy test which would tell you in plain and simple words, 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'. And sure enough...after the longest 3 minutes of my life, the test screamed 'PREGNANT'. I think I didn't breathe at first because 10 million things shot through my mind. I wasn't scared, but I sure got nervous right away. I was going to be a mommy for goodness sake! How wild!
So a couple weeks went by, full of excitement, full of joy, full of reading "what to expect", full of baby name possibilities, full of beaming from ear to ear and just maybe small jitters.
So like anxious parents to be, Josh and I went to stores to register (I think it was a little early, but excitement overload was in full throttle). As we were walking through the stores, I was envisioning having a newborn in a sling around my stomach, which crib would I want my baby to sleep in, what bottle and spoons do I want my baby to feed from…And then even more crazy thoughts like...Was it a boy or a girl?...Who's features would our baby take? What would we name our little bean?...Wow, will I be able to keep my sanity?…Do I really have to wait 9 months for this baby to cook?
By the way, I don't think there is any greater thing than to have the knowledge that you are creating a person inside of you, that could have an incredibly great impact in this world we live in…Or atleast the impact it will have in my life.
Thoughts, questions, excitement, and days went on and after telling just a few people(my parents, my sister, Josh's parents and a few people at work) we were pregnant, I ended up having a miscarriage at around 7 weeks along. Not to get into too much physical happenings, I just want to say, It was painful and horrible. I'm just so happy I wasn't further along.
Emotionally…well, I was a bit embarrassed. We knew we had to go back and tell those few people “We’re not pregnant anymore…” And that hurt a lot. But I also feel like I need to share it. That if I don’t share it, I’m withholding information, like I’ve got a big secret if I don’t talk about it with those around us. I’m one of those people who live life out loud. I love Romans 12:15; “Rejoice with those who rejoice; morn with those who mourn.” Even though I’m a tiny bit of an introvert, I love doing life with others.
Again I am SO thankful I wasn’t further along…I really hope I never experience the pain of a miscarriage again, but I know it may be possible. The whole miscarriage wasn't an easy thing to swallow, but at the same time God has overwhelmed Josh and I with peace and comfort. There was no belly bump, or movement, or even an ultrasound yet, so I know that made it "easier".
It’s been a little over a month now and although the symptoms of the miscarriage has stopped it seems that the depression (I don't like that word) has started. I don't want to sound like a sap, because I really do feel good and feel like things are mostly happy around these parts. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy, but it was a "hoped for" pregnancy and even though we weren't 100% ready for a baby, it was something we wanted. Something we prayed about. Something we thought about. Something we dreamed about.
Not to completely confuse things, but after the miscarriage I expected there to be a sigh of relief and a weight fall from my shoulders, because there was a little bit of stress(I guess that's normal for first time parents though). But there wasn’t any relief or feeling free from the unsurity of what a baby brings.
I just felt disappointment. An “Oh well, now’s not the time" did not cross my mind. I immediately thought, "was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Push myself too hard and not rest enough??" I’m not blaming myself…but really, I don't think I can go through a miscarriage and not feel a twinge of responsibility. Can I just say, it is comforting to know that miscarriages are normal. As unpleasant as they are and as much as I wish no one would have to go through the hurt and pain of one...30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, so it’s not just me. There is a support system out there for me (outside of my husband) if I need one.
I’m guessing the depression is due to the fact that I still wish I was pregnant. And it seems like everyone and their Aunt Berta is getting pregnant(do not take this as though i'm jealous, cause i'm not. I'm super happy for whoever is pregnant or getting pregnant), it just pokes at my heart and emotions, because it's still so fresh. I never would have guessed I’d have a miscarriage. I knew it sort of ran in the family, but you never really believe those kinds of things would happen to you. Next time I won’t be so presumptuous.
To end on a happy note...Here’s to that future post about the next addition to our family! :) Whether it be sooner or later, we trust that God is in control. Even though this was and is something very difficult to go through, I feel like God has really just scooped me up and is holding me tight and reminding me daily that He is good and all that He does is perfect. I've really just fallen more in love with Him! It has made me, maybe even forced me to rely on Him and His strength to pull me through! Also on a side note...I just wanted to say how amazing it was to go through all of this with Josh. I'm so thankful God blessed me with such an understanding husband! He really has been an encouragement and a sweetheart in the good and bad days that this trail has taken us through! (I love you sweetie!)
Thank you for reading. This post was not intended for sympathy, but your comments and encouragement is welcome! Thank you for those who already have been such a big help and have carried us in your prayers! We love you guys!
So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31
He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people’s disgrace from all the earth. The LORD has spoken.
Isaiah 25:8
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ( I guess you all know what we are praying for ;) )
Philippians 4:6
Thanks for sharing, Bri. I love how open and transparent you are; what a testimony to the grace of God at work in your life to hear about how you have walked through this trial.
ReplyDeleteWe're praying for you guys!
Yes, I'm so glad you are talking about it and not holding it in - internalizing this. You are brave and beautiful to talk so honestly and so openly about this.
ReplyDeleteYou may never know how much you're encouraging someone else, right now, who may be reading this.
We'll be praying for you guys...((hugs)).
Bri, i know exactly how you are feeling. Thanks for sharing so honestly. We lost our first baby when i was 8 weeks pregnant and 22 years later, i still think about and wonder who that little baby would have grown up to become. You have put into words beautifully the very thoughts and feelings that I experienced. Uncle Doug and I will be praying for you and Josh.
ReplyDeleteI love ya!
Bri,
ReplyDeleteYou really do speak on behalf of many women who have had miscarriages. I have had two and your words prick at the emotion of them in my own heart. I have 3 kids and yet I still think of those two that are waiting for me in heaven and I look forward to the day I get to meet them.
I'm glad you love to live life out loud, I enjoy hearing (rather reading) it! Jane